Dil ki baat

I have been wanting to write this one since the time I boarded the bus from bangalore to chennai, i.e. 27th, Thursday. Aaaaah(smiling)...i have been through an experience that is unfogetable.

Hey Anon(thank God, now you are not Anon anymore :)) i don't think you would be interested in this as i feel it's going to be a long post, so you can pack it. I will definetly pen something for you very soon.

Boring portion ahead...you can jump to "START HERE" or "DIL SE PART"

It begins when I went to bangalore with my friend, whom i will refer as X, for interview in Cisco. I had not even expected what was in store for me. We boarded the train, scheduled to depart at 11 pm, which was expected to reach bangalore by 5 in morning. But things don't happen the way we plan, they just happen. Due to heavy rains in and around chennai our train's route had got disruppted, and our train took another route to bangalore. I asked TI, 'when will this train reach bangalore?' He shurgged and walked away. My copassenger told me that it is expected to reach 3 hours late. That's totally fine with me, I thought.

Train moved on and we started to prepare for the interview tomorrow. I was studying because i did not want to put a bad name to IIT, and X was studying to secure a seat. X had got apples and we ate them. Then after about an hour of browsing through the book we had with us, X felt sleepy and asked me if we could continue next morning. I had no objections to it. X went to sleep. I also went to my berth. But i am in a bad habbit of being up late night, so i was not getting sleep. I was lying on my berth and trying to sleep. But THOUGHTS! But thoughts did not let me even get close to sleep. I was watching the stars in the dark sky and was feeling so happy to be travelling with X. I felt a sense of pride. I felt so happy that someone trusts me. It was a great feeling which would make me smile, make my heart tickle. But for how long can i see stars? not for long so i got bored. The more i was getting bored, more and more hungry i felt. But i had only 500 rupee note with me, so i could not buy anything. Then i tried to read a book which i read quite a lot. Finally i feel asleep.

Next morning X woke me up. It was a nice day. It was raining and i love showers. We had our usual 'good morning' chat. After a while we had tea. At every station where the train stopped, we came to know that it is getting late. Finally we reached bangalore at 12:30. Earlier we had planned that we would go to X's sisters place and from there change and then go for interview. But now plan changed and we had to go to interview straight. First a written test and then a interview. Written test was easy but interview! My worst interview ever. And that group rejected me as expected. They arranged for two more interviews the next day. I had thought that i will come back the same day but because of train delay and changed plans, i had no other option but to stay. X's interview was also terrible. We decided to go through a book and then only go for interview next day. We went to Landmark( at forum) and got books. Then we went to X's sister's place.

START HERE

When we reached X's sister's place we found that no one was there. Jijaji and didi, no one was there. We were not even sure that we were at the correct address. Finally after a wait jijaji came and soon after him didi came. I am not a formal guy and like to mix with people, and thats what i did. Jijaji is also an IITian so it was really very easy. Didi is a doctor by profession and jijaji works as financial manager. We had a light chat about how thing went wrong with train and then with the interview. Although we( X and me) had expected that we would be eating out but then the colony we were in, had no eatouts that would open at that time in the night. Didi decided to cook something. I like cooking and i don't like to burden others to prepare food for me. I like to help them while they cook food. Due to this my interest has grown considerably in cooking. X being present there volunteered and went ahead to help di in cooking. I stayed back.

We were 4 people. Di and X were cooking so jijaji started talking to me. He is great person. True to his words. Very few people around us posses the trait of knowing themselves. He does!. He knows himself and i believe that that's the reason he is successful. I told him about my venture. He appritiated our effort and motivated me. He also gave me few tips which i have kept close to my heart. They will be very valuable to my organization. He is very open hearted person, very very very open hearted. Next day when i dressing up in casuals for the interview he asked me if i had got any formal shirt. He wanted me to dress up in formals. The shirts i had taken with me were not that formal and he was not satisfied with them. So, what should we do? He went to his room and started taking out his shirts( The way my elder brothers do. When ever they see me wearing ok type clothes, they start giving me there new shirts/nearly new shirts. If they don't have any at that time they ask me to wear their good shirts. And then they get new ones for me). He had pulled out all his shirts from almirah and had kept them on his bed. Hr was thinking which one will look good on me. He was X's jijaji! I was not able to understand what to do and was telling jijaji that what i was wearing was fine but he won't listen to me. He himself selected a shirt and asked me to wear it. What could i possibly do? I wore it. It was a nice shirt and looked good. And good thing was that jijaji was finally satisfied with how i looked. Then he noticed that i was wearing a jeans. He asked me my waist which is 32. He said that his trousers won't fit me, so he did not say anything. It was a strange type of feeling in me. I don't know how i would have had acted had i been in his place. But the way he treated me, i won't forget. If i forget it would be shame on me!

Now, lets get back to the point where didi had left for cooking. Yes...it was delicious food she had prepared. We had dal in the menu which is my favorite(my mouth is watering as i am writing this). It was a treat for me. Loved it. Everything was informal, and i love it that way. After finishing the grub, we had little chat again and finally didi jijaji went to sleep. They gave me bedding and X went to sleep in another room. We had planned to study after grub but X was feeling very tired and went to sleep. I was not feeling sleepy so i started studying. At 2 i went to wake up X. X woke up. I came back to continue with my book. I waited for a while but X did not come. As expected X had fallen asleep again. I woke up X at around 3 again and this time X joined me. By 4 i had finished my book. Although i wasn't feeling sleepy but i wanted to get some sleep so i decided to sleep. I asked X to wake me up at 6. I woke up when didi woke me up. It was 8:30. di had told last night that she has to leave for hospital by 8 but it was 8:30 now. I felt a gult feeling that because of me she could not go to office. I asked di where X was, as we had planned to leave at 9. X was still asleep. Di woke her up. We dressed up hurriedly and after having a nice breakfast(didi is really good at cooking, although being a working woman, she might not be very inclined to it) we rushed for the interview.

Our interviews got over at around 4 pm and i came to know that i was rejected by groups 1 and 2 while group 2 had selected X. A bit of disappointment but then my philosopy of life "whatever happens, happens for good" helped me out. Secondly, i was not very inclined get through because i have a company to care for. I just wanted to prove to the Cisco people that IITians have good knowledge which i did( i feel so, as i nearly answered all question put up to me by group 2). Whatever be the reason, but they did not select me. Getting rejected hurts. It really hurts but it did not hurt me much. I was back to normal soon. X was feeling a bit unconfortable earlier owing to my rejection. Then at 4:45 pm we met dumbo. He was also very busy but he took some time out and came to meet us. He looked like a professional. Good for him. While we talked my disappointment decreased more and more. He left us at 5:05 pm. I wanted to meet Vinitha but couldn't due to time constraint. We went to book a bus ticket for myself. X decided to stay a day more with di. Bus was at 10pm and it was 6 when we got our ticket.

We went to X's place and reached there by 7 o'clock. X made some maggie for me on my request. We were alone watching a beautiful movie, eating maggie when suddenly didi said 'HI'. We were surprised as how come she came early. She told that she has swaped her duty with someone else. How good of her. All this for X. Because X was there. X asked if di would like to have some maggie and she happly agreed. Didi by mistake congratulated me as she thought that both of us got selected. But then i told her. We were eating maggie. I don't understand why i opted for maggie. No one can eat so much maggie at once. Di was tired but when she came to know that i had to leave at 8:30 types she at once tried to make me something to eat. I told her that the maggie i was eating was for dinner and asked her not to make anything. She still wanted to make something but i stopped her. I had already finished packing. I asked di for any sbi/uti ATM nearby as i was left with only 17 rs cash. There were none. She tried giving me 500 rs for my travel which i did not want to take. I asked her to give me 100rs. Taking that and after wearing my shoes i was ready to leave. I don't why but i was feeling sad. Not happy. Before leaving i said to di that, "i don't like to say thanks, but i hope you understand". And she nodded approvingly. I said 'bye' to X and di and left. Jijaji had not returned from office yet. I could not wish him goodbye.

DIL SE PART...

I don't like to travel alone. Actually, i always like to be with friends. Never like be alone. Hate eating alone. Then travelling all the way from di's home to Chennai? What the hell! I was feeling bad. Very bad. But that was not the sole reason. I felt bad for leaving di and X behind and for simply walking away, without telling di how wonderful she had been to me. How good a sister she was. How caring she has been. With each step my heart was getting heavier. I took out my mobile and wrote a sms to X. In the sms i had asked X to convey to di and jijaji my heartfelt thanks. Thanks is such a small reward to di for being such a good sister to me. I was cursing myself with every step i was taking which was taking me away from di. I don't know when i developed attachment with di. I don't know when i really started to think of X's sister as my di. I don't know when she treated me like her real brother. I don't know when she showed care which touched me. I don't know what feeling she had communicated to me that made me think of her as my real sister. Actually i felt for her more than just a sister. May be i felt her love more motherly than sisterly. Don't ask me why because i don't have answers. Truely, i don't even know if i was sad because i was leaving her. I just dont know why. I wanted to be with her. Look at her and listen to her. I did not want to leaver her and go. I wanted to get back to her and stay with her for some more time. I had planned to leave at 8:30 and i left at 8:20. But i had no option. Obviously, I can't go back to X's place and say any such thing. They will consider me a mad man. I just kept walking till i reached a bus stand(ban shankari) from where i took bus to majestic. There is went to my bus and straight away to my seat. I did not want to talk to anyone. Just wanted to sleep so that these feeling would leave me. But I sleep late. And these feelings kept coming back to me. Bus started for chennai and still i did not get sleep. I was watching out of the window. I was feeling sad, really sad. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry like a little baby. I wanted to cry my heart out but i am man. How can i. I can't. My eyes watered. But i won't say a word. And a tear drop rolled off my cheek. I could not stop it. I did not want to stop it. It was beyond my control. I did not know how to stop it. I was having so many feeling in my heart. Why was i having these feeling i don't know. For whom i had feeling for, i don't know. I don't know why i was sad. But what i know is that, amongst all the things i was remembering, it was di and my mom(not very sure about my mom though) who dominated. Why was it so, i don't know. I had no answers. Actually, at that point of time i did not have any questions as well. I did not want to know anything. I just wanted to cry. Then i began to think that "was i feeling so all because i had left X". Was it really so? I don't know. I did not know then. And i don't know even now. Or was it because i could not meet jijaji before leaving. I did not know then. I don't know even now. But i was sad. I was looking out of the window and i kept looking out. I did not want to see anything. I was feeling sad and i had no one to share my feelings with. I then thought that i would pen all my feelings, but i did not have a pen nor paper. So, i thought i will pen them once i reach IIT. But i could not because i did not get time yesterday. Today, i am giving vent to my feelings which i can't hold to myself. I reall miss di. Today i miss her less than i missed her yesterday and lesser than i missed her the day i was travelling. I am not sure but going by how humans are, i will soon stop missing her. Gradually, i would forget her(God ji, help me not to become such a ungrateful person). Then i won't feel bad. I feel thats the way usually people work. I feel that i am not one of those who forget such things. But who knows the future. I don't know what kind of a person i will become tomorrow. But i would like to stay as i am. Because being the way i am i could gain X's trust. Being the way i am X took me to di and jijaji. Being the way i am i got to meet di. Knowing that X trusts me brings smile to my face. Makes me feel proud. Travelling in bus for around first 2 hours i was thinking only about these things, but due to my short memory, i am not being able to write all what i felt. What i have written is just the tip of the iceberg. Of what i have been through is far far more than this. I am in a position that i can't even tell her that i like her so much like my sister, she might think i am a paranoid. Truely, i don't know why suddenly i got so much attached to her. I don't even cry when i leave my home to come to iit. I never cry but she made me cry. She made me cry.