i do not exist

Love is a slippery path

2007-09-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

Love is a slippery path. Don't you agree? I definitely do. Now the scenario is that Mr. A love Ms. B and vice-versa. When Mr. A first saw Ms. B: Cupid made a move. Arrow was shot and Bulls eye.

Love bloomed. They spend time together. If Ms. B would smile, Mr. A show his bright 32. There were sms send, calls made. Ofcourse, everyone else thought that they merely exchanged notes. It went around for a month but still they never had touched each other. It was looks and words.

Then Ms. B started appearing in Mr. A's dreams. Ah! Dreams! Dreams that he saw with his eyes closed were not as beautiful as with eyes open. With open eyes he dreams of holding her hand and proposing.

Looks like all love till here. There a catch. This 'holding her hand' will usually be the place when they start getting comfortable with touching each other. The best thing about the devil is that no one is able to see him coming. Same case here. How this LOVE: 'holding the hand' -> 'holding her' -> hugs -> kisses -> sex: LUST happens, Mr. A or Ms. B is unaware. But slowly love dies out and body dependencies take its place. Love has lost and Lust has won.

And thats the reason why the topic is 'Love is a slippery path.'
Lets start loving!

Mona to Bharti

2006-11-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

That is how i can sum up my b'day this year. Mona is my cousin. She was the first caller to wish me b'day. Although ted had wished me earlier on 23rd by mail. IBut right now i am just writing this because i liked the title when i came to my mind.

After that got several calls. And last caller on 24th night was Bharti. She said that it had to be either the first one or the last one. Agreed. :)

Thanks to all who wished me. May God fulfill everyones good wishes. Amen

2 post a day, keeps blog readers away

2006-11-20T10:40:00.000-08:00

Title is among the best poetry i have ever written. See, it rhymes.

But that not what this is post is about.

There are two philosophies i have:
1) I can ask God for whatever and how much ever i want. Ofcourse he is like my dad, who won't give me everything i ask. But if i ask more probability of getting it increases.

2) I should never ask God for anything. God can give everything, because he created everything, BUT. Whats the use asking for things that ultimately i have to leave and go after my death. Ofcourse he is my dad and he will give me everything i need(not everything i want).

And you know what. right now i want to make a wish. actually i have wanted to ask him that wish nearly daily. But till date i have been confused about which philosophies should i rely upon.
Request to the reader. Please decide which philosophy applies for you. If first one does then ask him to fulfill my wish. If yours in second one, then for this moment shift your philosophy to the first and ask him to fulfill my wishing. Kidding again. You don't have shift your philosophy for my wish. probably according to you, some day i will be wise and will realize that nothing matters. Nothing at all. And the only thing that matters(God), i would not have given a thought.

Its beginning. That physo thing which get better of me like the 1st nov. post. so i am leaving before i turn this post into a crap. Its crap but that mood of mine will make it crappier.

I am a life

2006-11-20T09:54:00.000-08:00

Yes.. title means that i am still alive :P

But this post is not about me. But about how i feel about a few others.

Ted : A very nice guy. A very good person to have as a friend. He dosen't forget things, so i am rest assured he won't forget me. Now, coming to the more important part: answer to the question "why is he being mentioned here?" So, the answer is that is also my best friend. Thats why. Ted, I love you.

Vinit : Another gem. Can talk anyone out of his words. Best Friend. I know that their might be a day when i might not be on his side, but it won't happen otherwise. Vinit, I love you too.

Bazooka : I don't even remember his real name. May not be among my best friends list but for sure he deserves a mention. Why? Because he, i feel, is among those who feel for their friends. Really. Kind at heart. Nice guy to be friends with. Bazooka, I love you three.

Tarzan (suranjan) : Another gem. Why should i mention him here? Because he has all the qualities a person requires to find a mention in each of his frineds blog. I love you four.

Dufu (mayank) : Junior but a friend. Strong. Tall. Among the guys i would like to be. Dufu, I love you five.

Pandu Sir : Friend , philosopher , guide. Do i need to say more. He is one person i really look up to. He find the mention because of the clarity he has in philosophies he tells. I will always remember time i spent with him. Although i fear him but still, Sir, I love you six.

Deepankar (babu) : Another childhood friend. Friend, and a bengali. His sermons. His laughs. Hearty laughs. The chats we had. Long ones. Below the porch of his home. And his long walks. Babu, I love you seven.

Amit Nigam : Another guy i don't understand. But he does understand me. This man considers me to be one great guy. I know the reason why : he hasn't met the people i have mentioned above. I can credit him for my selection in IIT. Good guy. Would like to hear from him more often. Amit, I love you eight.

Vinitha Nair( billi) : This girl deserves a mention. And a very well deserved one. This gal has a good sense of humor and her spirit. The undying spirit to live it up. And her consistent good morning mails. I love you nine.

Bharti : Sweet. She is sweety. Yep that her nick back home. And a very apt one. Ofcourse, i am brahmin and like sweets. For her things are different. He philosophy: 'She will love you till she lives, not till you live'. Precisely the reason she finds a mention. Given the power to change anything, i believe i will leave her unchanged. Bharti, I love you ten.

Uncle ji( my mama ji) : He is not a friend but much much more. He means much more to mean than all the names above put togther. Nothing above him. NO ONE above him. I Love him n Hazaar.

People who don't find mention, don't deserve it. Kidding yaar. Just that i thought about mentioning a few that rung a bell in mind now. Just wait for the day your name starts ringging.

I am also sure that if i go by bell ringing thing, few names will find place in every post. Ted, Bharti, Vinit...

i wanna cry but i won't

2006-11-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

its not a post.. its what i am feeling now. I feel something in my heart. a little pain. I know why i feel it. Have met a lot of people. I know how it feels to have no one to guide and no to yell on you. But i am not feeling that because of this reason. Because i can't say it to anyone neither can i put it in writing. Its a secret thats been with me long time. Its killing me. Not a day goes by when i don't think about it but but but... i can't do anything about it. You know why? Because i am doing a business thats why?

I know that i -----------(contains spaces also)

its like all my energy has been drained out of my body. I feel no strength.

I am a bad person. I used to think that i am one guy whose got great friends. I mean to say that i am great guy with whom other can be friend with. But i am not a great friend. I know it. Ted is far better than me. Vinit is. So many others are. Why not me.

For long i wanted to pen my thoughts. I need to tell it someone. It hard keeping it all with my self. I know what love is. I mean i understand what pure/true love is. I also know that mine is not pure/true love. But believe me when i say that its deep. May not be pure but it is deep. And i don't wanna come out to the pure side of love. I am no saint who can love all. My love is selfish. I am an average person.

Been really long before i suceed. And then i will tell her but then it might be too late.

Pata hai.. why do i call myself not a good person. I will tell you. Because i am not happy that my dad and my family love me soooooo very much. my uncle who is not in good health travels 100 kms on bus to see me. because he loves me soooo much. I am here. Just doing nothing, Talking about a crush or love whatever it is. I am doomed.

Do you know when i was in 8th std. i got 13/100 in biology exam.

whatelse....

i know that i will achieve all what i have decided to do. but i really don't know how it would feel being there all alone. i don't believe that i will be all alone there. if not she, someone else. But. I mind is playing games with me.

i don't know how will my life change change.. wheather it will cahnge at all if she says yes. God knows. There . I also know that life is an illusion. It will end. Death is a reality which will finally come. But again i am just another normal guy. Knowing the truth i am doing ntohing. You know... at several ocassions i think of things i will do if i come to know that earth is goin to end tomorrow. I will call ted. I will talk to vinit. and i will talk to ....... But i won't tell her even then about it. Because she will feel bad in case she will ahve to say no to me.

And then i will feel much more miserable. yes now i got the word. I am feeling miserable.

Didn't i say i am a bad person. i just proved it. see i did not mention that i would talk to my mum, dad and uncle and brothers and my nephew and niece. Thus proved.

i still won't cry because bad boys don't cry. they make others cry. bye.

i bet no one will reach this post till the end. just to see who does... can you make a guess of the fill in the blank that i left empty. try it alteast. if you are not able to think comment saying rani mukherjee. but that doesn't meet the dots.. does it. no it doesn't.

anyways i am screwed. bye. again bbye.

a vote of thanks

2006-04-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

C. Pandurangan, guide till now, has also become a mentor from this day. Bharti and i had came to lab for some work and so did he. Then he made little tea for himself. He offered it to Bharti and myself. Guess what? yep, it was tea time. Bharti and myself had tea cups in our hands and sir was standing infornt of us. Wallah! the chat began.

He has always been a great orator and he proved it yet again. He began with his how he always feels young and mixes with kids wherever he goes. He recalled an incident when he (over)heard his father-in-law say to a person who had come asking for him in a marriage function, 'he would be telling stories to kids, just search him around where you find children'. He told us how fond he was about telling stories to kids. Sheer joy. Yes, i could see sheer joy in him while he was narrating to us the incident. I believe that he did slip into the memories of those days. I could guess where the topic would head to and it did!

Aim of life- to be happy. Zero marks if you said that. Aim of life is to achive perfect security :P. Some person somehow proved that in computer sc. no one can achive perfect security. So, what did the intellectuals do? They aimed for computatinal security. Security which is not perfect but given the resource now, you won't be able to distinguish it from perfect one. Yes, that is the aim of life. To get as close to perfect as possible. He raised some very fundamental questions: 'if all things that bring joy also bring pain, then theoritically is perfect joy achiveable?', 'if yes, how?'. Upon a question raised by my friend, 'aren't we too young to get into all this stuff', he replied, 'it's not the question that you want to happy forever or not, its the question about when you get into the state of mind to experience that unlimited joy, bliss.' He tried explaining what is happiness. He said happiness is not physical, it is a state of mind. That is the reason why one can become happy when he remembers fond memories from his past. That in turn proves that one can be happy if he wants. He even went and argued that 'sleeping with a girl is not wrong, nature made us that way. Morals and etiquete are all man made and can be broken, if you feel thats joy. But a word of caution. One must always remember that he is not an animal, and what differntiates him from animals is his intellect, so he must use his intellect and then do what he is doing.'.

On a lighter note: Aim of life - to be perfect. That is not achiveable, so be so close to it and others are not able to make out that you are not perfect.

Thank you Sir. for the cup of special tea and for such a wonderful talk.

Before i end this post, i would like to take this opportunity to thank bharti too because had she not been with me may be sir wouldn't have gotten into discussion and may be there wouldn't have been anything that i would have written about. Thank you Bharti

love letter

2006-02-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

I don't Love you because of your pretty smile, else i would love Madhuri too,
I don't Love you for your sweet laughs, else Priety would complain too.

I don't Love you 'coz of your sexy body because if i do, i would love Priyanka too,
I don't Love Aishwarya's eyes because i feel they are not as deep as you.

I don't Love your melodious silken voice else i would have to answer Sushmita too,
I don't Love you because you are beautiful, else how will i explain my not loving Rani so.

I don't love you because of the way you walk, talk, listen or see. I don't Love you for your good and loving nature.

You are open minded but then i have other friends who are as open minded as you,
You are frank and there are others who are frank too.

I don't Love you for your passion because many of your sunsign will be more passionate than you,
I don't Love you because you list family above profession as there are girls willing to be housewives too.

When I am in your presence i feel like a better man but still i won't love you because I believe in God too,
I feel better when you are around but i feel so in the presence of my loving Mother like you.

I know you are honest, so i will be honest with you:
If you say 'yes', the way i feel i should love my wife I will Love you,
If you say 'no' you won't even know how much I loved you.

But its true that i don't know why I LOVE YOU

I am simple person, looking ahead to lead a peacefull life. I want live with peace and that is what you have stolen from me. You may not be my first thought in morning but you are. You are the last thought before i die every night. Since many days i haven't seen dreams of anyone other than you. Anyone i see, i meet i make comparisons in how much close she gets to you. And i am never surprised that no one even comes near you, be it beauty or character. You shine like the sun in my life. You have changed the way i look at others. I am busy but you see my mind escapes in your thoughts even when it is busy. I am experiencing a significant drop in my concentration. I am able to concentrate on your thoughts only.

All this while i have been feeling a kind of heaviness in my heart, and i had no one to tell it to. So, i thought 'who better than you'. So, here i am standing in front of you, asking from you to give me, whats mine: YOU

third day of swimming

2006-02-22T19:02:00.000-08:00

Good morning
Today was my third day (session) to swimming pool. It was wonderful. Reason is simple : today i crossed the smaller pool. No, no, don't get scared. I crossed it width wise. But, for a beginner like me, it was a big achievement.

I'am loving it!

I believe....

2006-01-20T22:20:00.000-08:00

This is a forward that came to me but i thought i was good to be preserved..so i kept it here for all

I Believe...

I believe-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive
them for that.

I believe-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I believe-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them.

I believe-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.

I believe-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I believe-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I believe-
that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had
better be something else to take
its place.

I believe-
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I believe-
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

I believe-
that just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe-
that it isn't always enough to be
forgiven by others. Sometimes you
have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe-
that two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally.
different.

I believe-
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-
that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you
you will find the strength to help.

I believe-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I believe-
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

Death: How enlightening

2006-01-05T00:25:00.000-08:00

Once a young man (for this narration we will give a name to this young man as Raj) who had been brought up by a traditional family, went to visit a famous Swami.

Now Raj had told by his mother that the Swami was a true preceptor, a Guru and that the Guru's words were true and to be held in high esteem.

The meeting transpired as follows:

Raj asked the Swami, "Reverend Sir, how come my mind wanders around to forbidden places and your does not?" "Sir, how come I do back-biting and you don't?" "Sir, how come I don't have compassion for others, while you have?" All the questions that Raj asked were of similar nature.

Swami replied, "Raj, your questions are good, but it seems to me that in 24 hours from now you will die".

Now Raj who had already been told by his mother that the Swami's words are true and to be held in high esteem, was shocked. He got up and started getting ready to go.

The Swami asked, "Raj, what happened? You came with such vitality and by my one statement you are totally dismayed."

Raj said, "Swami, my mother told me that your words are true and are to be held in high esteem. So please let me go so that I may meet my family members, friends and others before I die."

The Swami said, "But there are still 24 hours. Sit, we will talk more".

Raj said, "Reverend Sir, please let me go. I must meet my people before I die."

So Raj left and went home. Met his mother and started crying. The word spread. His friends came, other family members came, neighbors came. Everyone was crying with Raj. Time started flying.

Raj was only busy in either crying or counting the hours. When only 3 hours were left, he pulled up a cot and lied down on it. Although the Death has not yet arrived, poor Raj is kind of dead.

When only an hour was left, the Swami walked in.

Swami said to Raj, "Raj, why are you lying down on the cot with your closed eyes. Death is still an hour away. And an hour is 60 minutes long. That's a lot of time. Get up, let us talk".

Raj, "Swami, what is it now that you want to talk? Just let me die peacefully."

Swami, "Raj, there is still time and our talk will get over before the 'ordained' time."

Raj, "Okay, Swami....say what you have to say."

Swami, "In the past 24 hours, did you curse anyone?"

Raj, "How could I curse anyone, I was all the time thinking about death."

Swami, "In the past 24 hours, did you think or wish ill for anyone?"

Raj, "How could I do that, I was all the time thinking about death."

Swami, "In the past 24 hours, did you steal?"

Raj, "Sir, how can you even ask that, I was all the time thinking about death."

Finally the Swami said, "Raj, I don't know who has to die and who has to live. But understanding the ultimate truth i.e. death can be very enlightening. All the questions you posed to me have been answered by yourself because of the awareness of death that you experienced during the past 24 hours. The difference between me and you is that you were aware of death for the past 24 hours, I have been aware for the past 24 years."

– Rajender Krishan

story: ABDUL

2005-12-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

It was the black time in Indian History, the worst India had ever seen. To fulfill the greed of a few politicians, LIVES were lost in plenty. Yes, it was the time of partition when this incident took place. I came to know about it from a senior person. A recent movie 'pinjar' also deals with a similar incident. This has also appeared as a publication somewhere, of which i don't know. But i will go on to narrate the incident as it really touched me.

During that time when India was partitioned, Muslims here were moving to Pakistan from India and Hindus from Pakistan were coming to our side. Hindus living in that region recieved the wrath of the muslims. Muslims looted all the property. Killed the men, and children. Women were raped and kept as servents in their homes. Empty homes of Hindus were taken over by muslims. Had it been for just homes, i wouldn't have even bothered to write this, but all the homes were not empty. Men in the fields were slaughtered and their women abducted. That is what pains me.
This is about a man, a muslim, named Abdul and about a woman, a sikh, named Puro.

Abdul was a man not of accomplisments. He was lazy. He did not know much about war or looting. He was one of those seedha saadha type guys. During the time of partition his friends used to go to nearby villages and bring back the loot and women with them. In evening they used to discuss about how much loot each guy had got.... discussions on how they accomplished their dirty ideas of raping and molesting used to be the hot favorites. And sitting with his friends Abdul always felt left out. All his mates made fun of him. They teased him by saying lot of things, but today they crossed the limit. They teased him by naming him "CHAKKA"( meaning ........). This shook him and he decided that next day he will also be a part in discussion and prove that he is also a man. Pathetic how easily a man with weak character gets provoked to walk to wrong path. Is a Man, man only if has a mistress or talks about sex or indulges in such activities? Well, Abdul had got his motivation.
Next morning with the first ray of light he went to nearby village. All the houses were either empty with no property or were occupied by muslims. Getting nothing he went to the next village and then the next. His intense desire to have something to show to his friends did not even allow him to have lunch or rest. He search all along but got nothing. He did not want to return empty handed but it was evening now. Just as he was returning home he saw a home in which he saw very dim light coming from a window. Cruel smile was on his lips.
He raced towards that home. The door was open. The house was empty. It was getting dark and he did not find anyone. How could that be, he had seen light there. Thinking that it might just be his halucination, he was leaving when he heard a pot fall. AHA! He ran to the top of the house where there was just a little room. Such rooms are often used as graineries. He opened the door and there lay the treasure. There was a woman sitting with a pallu on her head as done in traditional hindu homes. She was sikh lady. She would give her life but not give herself to the lust and enjoyment of others. She had a dagger in her hand, READY. As soon as she saw that Abdul had come up, she warned him that if he came near her, she would kill herself. Abdul desparately wanted his prize but was also intelligent enough not to throw it away. He said that he was there not to hurt her, but because he was very hungry. Puro was no fool, 'stay away even if you are hungry, and i know what are you hungry for', she growled .
Abdul became calm and sat down like a innocent child because he knew that he will not be able to get her if he uses force. He begged to Puro saying 'bebe, i am a innocent man, tired and hungry. Have been searching for my sister who had gone to work in fields yesterday and is missing since then. I have come a long way but have not been able to get any news of her. When i saw light in this house i came in thinking that may be because of fear she might have come in this home and locked her up. But then i found you. Bebe, if you can prepare some food for me i will be very grateful to you'. A bit of silence prevailed which Puro broke "I will make some food for you but you stay at a distance from me.' She broke the silence again 'Stay near the door of the house. When the food is prepared i will keep it in the near the enterance. Take it from there and don't even try to get close to me. If you try i will..." Abdul obeyed her like a child. He sat near the door while Puro prepared food for him. His mind was thinking of ways by which he will be able to capture her but the dagger kept near Puro always prevented him from doing anything foolish.
Food was prepared and Puro kept it in the kitchen and left the place. All the while she had her pallu on her head. Abdul had not been able to see her face and his suspense was ever increasing. Abdul came in the kitchen and started eating. The first bite he took, took him back to the memories of his childhood. His mother had died when he was young and the food that he was eating was of the similar taste to what his mother cooked. He got lost while eating. By the time he finished Puro had left. He could not find Puro in the house and straight away rushed to the top. There he saw that Puro was sitting on a chaddar with Guru Granth Sahib in front of her. He saw Puro's face. Light with which she was reading the holy book also revealed her face. He remembered seeing her how his mother fondly used to sit with him and read out verses from Quran. He sat there for a while. He kept looking at Puro and kept remembering his Mother. After a while, when Puro had finished he said, 'sister, my dear, you have fed me and seeing you i remember my mother. I promise you that i will take you to a safe place after which you can join your family. I know about a camp of Hindus. We will go in the mid night so that no one see us.' Puro was a bit scared but there was no one else she could believe. She asked Abdul to go to the enterance and wait for her. Abdul asked her to put a blanket around her so that if any one saw them, they might not start doubting. And then Abdul followed her orders like a faithful son.
Puro got ready when it was nearly mid night. She kept the dagger with her. Put a blanket on herself and went towards the door. She was not sure about Abdul. But Abdul was now firm in his mind. He was now ready to hear all the taunts of his friends but was not ready to cheat on Puro. It was a dark night in which they disappered. Next evening when Abdul was sitting with his friends, everyone was laughing because he could not get anything and had returned empty handed. Abdul was smiling at all of them who returned home with hands full of blood, money and if lucky a women but all of them did not have a heart. And today Abdul's heart was full of happiness.

life

2005-11-17T20:13:00.000-08:00

Today I met my friend X. But it was different today because of something I came to know about X. X is my friend, a very close friend. It so happened when I was talking to X and I said ‘aaj mera bada mann kar raha hai ki ma ki god main sir rakh kar so jaaun’. After a little pause I added ‘aur aaj mera mann hai ki koi mujhe khoob laad kare’. Then i wanted to leave and he wanted to know more about my mom and what all things go on between us. But I was not in mood so I left. What was going on in X’s mind I did not know and how can anyone of us know. We have all forgotten the precious gifts we have been bestowed with. We now don’t even care for these precious gifts given to us by Almighty. How sad! I came to know something that shook me totally. He had lost his mom when he was very young. And how cruel of me to have said these two lines! How harsh it would have been to him when I said these lines! How would he have felt when I declined his request!

I am a bad person. Yes I am. What would have been better, me talking about ma or what I did is right? Well, i still believe that what ever happens, happens for good.

This is what i call wisdom!

2005-11-04T10:41:00.001-08:00

The Divine gives us what we need, not what we wish. God does not give us up, even if we do not care for Him. He waits for the oportunity to manifest Himself to us. This God's grace. ---Sw. Yateeshwarananda's book: Spritiual titbits

I think this line contains enough depth for a post. I will not even try to elaborate on this or try to give my commentry, because i am not at a level to be able to do that. It is left to you how you interpret it and use it.

Dil ki baat

2005-10-29T01:58:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to write this one since the time I boarded the bus from bangalore to chennai, i.e. 27th, Thursday. Aaaaah(smiling)...i have been through an experience that is unfogetable.

Hey Anon(thank God, now you are not Anon anymore :)) i don't think you would be interested in this as i feel it's going to be a long post, so you can pack it. I will definetly pen something for you very soon.

Boring portion ahead...you can jump to "START HERE" or "DIL SE PART"

It begins when I went to bangalore with my friend, whom i will refer as X, for interview in Cisco. I had not even expected what was in store for me. We boarded the train, scheduled to depart at 11 pm, which was expected to reach bangalore by 5 in morning. But things don't happen the way we plan, they just happen. Due to heavy rains in and around chennai our train's route had got disruppted, and our train took another route to bangalore. I asked TI, 'when will this train reach bangalore?' He shurgged and walked away. My copassenger told me that it is expected to reach 3 hours late. That's totally fine with me, I thought.

Train moved on and we started to prepare for the interview tomorrow. I was studying because i did not want to put a bad name to IIT, and X was studying to secure a seat. X had got apples and we ate them. Then after about an hour of browsing through the book we had with us, X felt sleepy and asked me if we could continue next morning. I had no objections to it. X went to sleep. I also went to my berth. But i am in a bad habbit of being up late night, so i was not getting sleep. I was lying on my berth and trying to sleep. But THOUGHTS! But thoughts did not let me even get close to sleep. I was watching the stars in the dark sky and was feeling so happy to be travelling with X. I felt a sense of pride. I felt so happy that someone trusts me. It was a great feeling which would make me smile, make my heart tickle. But for how long can i see stars? not for long so i got bored. The more i was getting bored, more and more hungry i felt. But i had only 500 rupee note with me, so i could not buy anything. Then i tried to read a book which i read quite a lot. Finally i feel asleep.

Next morning X woke me up. It was a nice day. It was raining and i love showers. We had our usual 'good morning' chat. After a while we had tea. At every station where the train stopped, we came to know that it is getting late. Finally we reached bangalore at 12:30. Earlier we had planned that we would go to X's sisters place and from there change and then go for interview. But now plan changed and we had to go to interview straight. First a written test and then a interview. Written test was easy but interview! My worst interview ever. And that group rejected me as expected. They arranged for two more interviews the next day. I had thought that i will come back the same day but because of train delay and changed plans, i had no other option but to stay. X's interview was also terrible. We decided to go through a book and then only go for interview next day. We went to Landmark( at forum) and got books. Then we went to X's sister's place.

START HERE

When we reached X's sister's place we found that no one was there. Jijaji and didi, no one was there. We were not even sure that we were at the correct address. Finally after a wait jijaji came and soon after him didi came. I am not a formal guy and like to mix with people, and thats what i did. Jijaji is also an IITian so it was really very easy. Didi is a doctor by profession and jijaji works as financial manager. We had a light chat about how thing went wrong with train and then with the interview. Although we( X and me) had expected that we would be eating out but then the colony we were in, had no eatouts that would open at that time in the night. Didi decided to cook something. I like cooking and i don't like to burden others to prepare food for me. I like to help them while they cook food. Due to this my interest has grown considerably in cooking. X being present there volunteered and went ahead to help di in cooking. I stayed back.

We were 4 people. Di and X were cooking so jijaji started talking to me. He is great person. True to his words. Very few people around us posses the trait of knowing themselves. He does!. He knows himself and i believe that that's the reason he is successful. I told him about my venture. He appritiated our effort and motivated me. He also gave me few tips which i have kept close to my heart. They will be very valuable to my organization. He is very open hearted person, very very very open hearted. Next day when i dressing up in casuals for the interview he asked me if i had got any formal shirt. He wanted me to dress up in formals. The shirts i had taken with me were not that formal and he was not satisfied with them. So, what should we do? He went to his room and started taking out his shirts( The way my elder brothers do. When ever they see me wearing ok type clothes, they start giving me there new shirts/nearly new shirts. If they don't have any at that time they ask me to wear their good shirts. And then they get new ones for me). He had pulled out all his shirts from almirah and had kept them on his bed. Hr was thinking which one will look good on me. He was X's jijaji! I was not able to understand what to do and was telling jijaji that what i was wearing was fine but he won't listen to me. He himself selected a shirt and asked me to wear it. What could i possibly do? I wore it. It was a nice shirt and looked good. And good thing was that jijaji was finally satisfied with how i looked. Then he noticed that i was wearing a jeans. He asked me my waist which is 32. He said that his trousers won't fit me, so he did not say anything. It was a strange type of feeling in me. I don't know how i would have had acted had i been in his place. But the way he treated me, i won't forget. If i forget it would be shame on me!

Now, lets get back to the point where didi had left for cooking. Yes...it was delicious food she had prepared. We had dal in the menu which is my favorite(my mouth is watering as i am writing this). It was a treat for me. Loved it. Everything was informal, and i love it that way. After finishing the grub, we had little chat again and finally didi jijaji went to sleep. They gave me bedding and X went to sleep in another room. We had planned to study after grub but X was feeling very tired and went to sleep. I was not feeling sleepy so i started studying. At 2 i went to wake up X. X woke up. I came back to continue with my book. I waited for a while but X did not come. As expected X had fallen asleep again. I woke up X at around 3 again and this time X joined me. By 4 i had finished my book. Although i wasn't feeling sleepy but i wanted to get some sleep so i decided to sleep. I asked X to wake me up at 6. I woke up when didi woke me up. It was 8:30. di had told last night that she has to leave for hospital by 8 but it was 8:30 now. I felt a gult feeling that because of me she could not go to office. I asked di where X was, as we had planned to leave at 9. X was still asleep. Di woke her up. We dressed up hurriedly and after having a nice breakfast(didi is really good at cooking, although being a working woman, she might not be very inclined to it) we rushed for the interview.

Our interviews got over at around 4 pm and i came to know that i was rejected by groups 1 and 2 while group 2 had selected X. A bit of disappointment but then my philosopy of life "whatever happens, happens for good" helped me out. Secondly, i was not very inclined get through because i have a company to care for. I just wanted to prove to the Cisco people that IITians have good knowledge which i did( i feel so, as i nearly answered all question put up to me by group 2). Whatever be the reason, but they did not select me. Getting rejected hurts. It really hurts but it did not hurt me much. I was back to normal soon. X was feeling a bit unconfortable earlier owing to my rejection. Then at 4:45 pm we met dumbo. He was also very busy but he took some time out and came to meet us. He looked like a professional. Good for him. While we talked my disappointment decreased more and more. He left us at 5:05 pm. I wanted to meet Vinitha but couldn't due to time constraint. We went to book a bus ticket for myself. X decided to stay a day more with di. Bus was at 10pm and it was 6 when we got our ticket.

We went to X's place and reached there by 7 o'clock. X made some maggie for me on my request. We were alone watching a beautiful movie, eating maggie when suddenly didi said 'HI'. We were surprised as how come she came early. She told that she has swaped her duty with someone else. How good of her. All this for X. Because X was there. X asked if di would like to have some maggie and she happly agreed. Didi by mistake congratulated me as she thought that both of us got selected. But then i told her. We were eating maggie. I don't understand why i opted for maggie. No one can eat so much maggie at once. Di was tired but when she came to know that i had to leave at 8:30 types she at once tried to make me something to eat. I told her that the maggie i was eating was for dinner and asked her not to make anything. She still wanted to make something but i stopped her. I had already finished packing. I asked di for any sbi/uti ATM nearby as i was left with only 17 rs cash. There were none. She tried giving me 500 rs for my travel which i did not want to take. I asked her to give me 100rs. Taking that and after wearing my shoes i was ready to leave. I don't why but i was feeling sad. Not happy. Before leaving i said to di that, "i don't like to say thanks, but i hope you understand". And she nodded approvingly. I said 'bye' to X and di and left. Jijaji had not returned from office yet. I could not wish him goodbye.

DIL SE PART...

I don't like to travel alone. Actually, i always like to be with friends. Never like be alone. Hate eating alone. Then travelling all the way from di's home to Chennai? What the hell! I was feeling bad. Very bad. But that was not the sole reason. I felt bad for leaving di and X behind and for simply walking away, without telling di how wonderful she had been to me. How good a sister she was. How caring she has been. With each step my heart was getting heavier. I took out my mobile and wrote a sms to X. In the sms i had asked X to convey to di and jijaji my heartfelt thanks. Thanks is such a small reward to di for being such a good sister to me. I was cursing myself with every step i was taking which was taking me away from di. I don't know when i developed attachment with di. I don't know when i really started to think of X's sister as my di. I don't know when she treated me like her real brother. I don't know when she showed care which touched me. I don't know what feeling she had communicated to me that made me think of her as my real sister. Actually i felt for her more than just a sister. May be i felt her love more motherly than sisterly. Don't ask me why because i don't have answers. Truely, i don't even know if i was sad because i was leaving her. I just dont know why. I wanted to be with her. Look at her and listen to her. I did not want to leaver her and go. I wanted to get back to her and stay with her for some more time. I had planned to leave at 8:30 and i left at 8:20. But i had no option. Obviously, I can't go back to X's place and say any such thing. They will consider me a mad man. I just kept walking till i reached a bus stand(ban shankari) from where i took bus to majestic. There is went to my bus and straight away to my seat. I did not want to talk to anyone. Just wanted to sleep so that these feeling would leave me. But I sleep late. And these feelings kept coming back to me. Bus started for chennai and still i did not get sleep. I was watching out of the window. I was feeling sad, really sad. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry like a little baby. I wanted to cry my heart out but i am man. How can i. I can't. My eyes watered. But i won't say a word. And a tear drop rolled off my cheek. I could not stop it. I did not want to stop it. It was beyond my control. I did not know how to stop it. I was having so many feeling in my heart. Why was i having these feeling i don't know. For whom i had feeling for, i don't know. I don't know why i was sad. But what i know is that, amongst all the things i was remembering, it was di and my mom(not very sure about my mom though) who dominated. Why was it so, i don't know. I had no answers. Actually, at that point of time i did not have any questions as well. I did not want to know anything. I just wanted to cry. Then i began to think that "was i feeling so all because i had left X". Was it really so? I don't know. I did not know then. And i don't know even now. Or was it because i could not meet jijaji before leaving. I did not know then. I don't know even now. But i was sad. I was looking out of the window and i kept looking out. I did not want to see anything. I was feeling sad and i had no one to share my feelings with. I then thought that i would pen all my feelings, but i did not have a pen nor paper. So, i thought i will pen them once i reach IIT. But i could not because i did not get time yesterday. Today, i am giving vent to my feelings which i can't hold to myself. I reall miss di. Today i miss her less than i missed her yesterday and lesser than i missed her the day i was travelling. I am not sure but going by how humans are, i will soon stop missing her. Gradually, i would forget her(God ji, help me not to become such a ungrateful person). Then i won't feel bad. I feel thats the way usually people work. I feel that i am not one of those who forget such things. But who knows the future. I don't know what kind of a person i will become tomorrow. But i would like to stay as i am. Because being the way i am i could gain X's trust. Being the way i am X took me to di and jijaji. Being the way i am i got to meet di. Knowing that X trusts me brings smile to my face. Makes me feel proud. Travelling in bus for around first 2 hours i was thinking only about these things, but due to my short memory, i am not being able to write all what i felt. What i have written is just the tip of the iceberg. Of what i have been through is far far more than this. I am in a position that i can't even tell her that i like her so much like my sister, she might think i am a paranoid. Truely, i don't know why suddenly i got so much attached to her. I don't even cry when i leave my home to come to iit. I never cry but she made me cry. She made me cry.

Madhushala

2005-09-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

These are few verses that Vinit has written...and it is his shradhanjali to Sri Harivansh Rai Bachchan's Madhushala
I am quite sure that this will be the best post ever to appear on my blog :)

Mitron Sang, jab baith kahin par
Takrata pyalon se pyala
Mann main thoda saku-chaye hue
Har naya naya peene wala

Ghunt ghunt se bunta jata
Jeewan ka tana bana

Aaj unhi phir sapnon ko,
Aur sajati, madhushala

Dhan-dhanadyon se keemati,
Matwale ka hota pyala
Besh keemti gehno main bhi,
Nirdhan dekhti saaki bala,

Saksham hai dhanwaan yahan par,
har karya siddh, kar sakne ko

Par dhani-bali mahapurushon ko
Har raat bechti madhusala

Piya piya keh adharon main,
Jaa simat-ti hai haala
Taj kar apna maan dharma
‘kar’ ko arpit, hota pyala

Prem samarpan ke sambandhon ka
Main naya roop dikhlata hoon

‘hari’ (vansh rai bachchan) ke komal charano main
Arpit meri, madhushala

Raat chamakti tapte suraj si,
Din dikhayi deta kala
Varsha se tap jaati dharti,
Yadi, piye na koi peenewala,

Raat din ke chakra vyuh main,
Kaun phansa hai, kaun phasega,

Din ko raat, raat ko din,
Aaj banati madhushala

Waqt khushi ka ho ya gham ka
Kahaan gaya, inse taala,
Mauka milte hi adharon se,
Lag jati, inke haala

Ankhoon main dard na dikhta mujhko
Aur na hotoon par muskaan

Mann main jasn aur maatam inke
Roz manaye madhushala

Kis disha main jaaun jo mujhko
Mil jaaye bas ek pyala
Kis rah main jaaun jo mujhko
Dikh jaaye, saaki bala

Door bahut aa gaya hoon ghar se
Ab raat kahaan bitaunga

Rah koi batla de mujhko
Jo pahuchaaye, madhushala

Mulla kehta jannat le jaaye
Uska woh allahtala,
Pandit kehta naiya sabki
Paar lagaye, brij ka gwala

Do ghoont peekar tum sabko
Satya main yeh samjhata hoon

Ek kadam andar rakhte hi
Moksha dilate madhushala

Padho namazain mazjid main
Sune na who allahtala
Karo aarti mandir main
Sune na who, brij ka gwala

Khoob bula kar dekha hoga
Aayat se, chalisa se

Zara si lekin aahat par he,
Khul jaati hai, madhushala

Jitna bhi bada gum aaye
Sau meel door karta pyala
Kitni bhi choti khushi mile
Sau guni badha deti, hala

Gumo ko apne kam karke
Khoob badhayi hain khushian

Jeevan ke har such dukh main
Saath nibhati, madhushala

kal ho na ho

2005-09-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

i am posting this because its very rare for blogger to open...aaj khula hai isliye kuch na kuch likh hi doon...

when i came to lab i saw this on my desktop...thought it's really worth saving, so it's here!

achcha anon bhai aap hindi ki kavita to padhenge na! :)

USA developed hai ya India

2005-09-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

inches of rain in new orleans due to hurricane katrina... 18
inches of rain in mumbai (July 27th).... 37.1
population of new orleans... 484,674
population of mumbai.... 12,622,500
deaths in new orleans within 48 hours of katrina...100
deaths in mumbai within 48hours of rain.. 37.
number of people to be evacuated in new orleans... entire city..wohh
number of people evacuated in mumbai...10,000
Cases of shooting and violence in new orleans...Countless
Cases of shooting and violence in mumbai.. NONE
Time taken for US army to reach new orleans... 48hours
Time taken for Indian army and navy to reach mumbai...12hours
status 48hours later...new orleans is still waiting for relief, army and electricty
status 48hours later..mumbai is back on its feet and is business is as usual
USA...world's most developed nation
India...JUST A DEVELOPING NATION..

aha!

2005-08-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

today was a very intresting day.
i got up at 6:50... because i had class at 8. In the last lecture, prof. told us to read about BCG matrix and Product life cycle and then to come to class. He had also given us an assignment which was to be submitted today. Last night i was preparing the assignment. Prof. had told that they are just one page each but when i had a look product life cycle was some 4 or 5 pages so i gave up.
Today when he came into class he distributed answer sheets and asked us to write 1 page each on BCG matrix and Product life cycle. It was a surprise quiz. A real surprise cum shock to me.

Did not even have a clue of what they were. BCG matrix seemed too out of my scope so i wrote 2 page fart on P.L.C. Thank God i wrote something. There were a few other guys in our class who will definetly get full marks for neet and clean submissions.. they were completly blank :-P

2005-08-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

i don't know if you will read this... lekin it took me over 48 hours to open this page to write this blog... internet has gone so slow that it does not load this site

rest is up to you...

see you... hope to

Tere Liye aur mere liye

2005-08-13T04:47:00.001-07:00

I don't think i would be writing this post had it not been for Mr. Anon who has been visiting my blog more than often.... actually he frequents it more than me... i feel so:)

This post is about yesterday 12-8-05, friday.

There were two important events which took place. One event is related to a friend of mine ... let us call her 'x'
Let me narrate what happened.
I and x have taken two management courses together. We had to write a letter and get the consent of teacher. Usually, not usually but always, we go to prof. ourselves and get it. It is not considered good to send a friend asking a prof. to sign consent form for you. We both needed it. There was no hurry. On Friday afternoon i got her sms saying that she had the consent for me that for me. I was totally Surprised. This was a very nice gesture from her side. I was bewildered as to why? If she would have had got only her consent, i wouldn't have had felt anything. I would have probably thought that she got prof.'s signature, implies prof. is in the dept., hurry and get it!
Actually, i felt that since last year we were not sharing the good friendship we used to, but i see a silver lining in the clouds. It will be good if our friendship could improve. Amen

the second event:
CMD of CavinKare, Mr C K Ranganathan visited our campus and i attendede the talk. It was for MBA students but we (me and x and y) also attended it. When Mr CK entered the room i was dumbstruct for he looked like one amongst us, even our prof. said this when he was introducing him. He looked very young to start a company and make it as big as a 500cr. gaint. He was dressed in black with a white belt. He started with his story. He was slow in his talk but whatever he said was full of fire because he supported each of his statement with incidences in his life. He told that his father was a maths teacher in a school. He was never satisfied with the job. One fine day he quitted his job. His philosophy was 'What rich enjoy make it so that the poor may afford it'. And keeping this view in mind he came with the idea of shashe. He was the first person to use shashe. He started a company which made shampoo and he packaged it in shashe and sold it across the nation under the brand name velvette. Thus a firm was born.
Our hero, was the fourth in the family, 2 elder bros, a elder sis, a younger bro and a sis. He somehow had problems which others never faced. He was terrible in studies while others did well. The family consisted of doctors and lawyers and our hero. Mr. CK was not able to cope up in english medium and became the only member in the family to be shifted to Tamil medium. Still he strived to pass his exams and managed to secure his degree. By the time he was finishing his degree his father expired. His brother decided to sell off the company. Fortunately or unfortunately they couldn't. There father had taken a loan of 2 lacs and bank manager told them that they cannot sell it until they pay back the debt. Elder brother started running the business. His father was of the view that "if the product is good you should not advertise, advertisement is done for the products whose quality is questionable". But his sons held other view and started advertising. With advertising revenues increased and company was on its feet. At this stage Mr CK entered the company finishing his degree.
This was really a important stage in his life. He had inferiority complex. He was the only one in the family who did not know how to read or write english. But within two months of his work in the company he knew that he was at par with others in terms of thinking of new ideas. But this was a problem as his elders won't listen to what he had to say. Finally, after eight months of work in the company his father had founded he left his home and company, leaving behind himself all the property and land. He had with him only 15000 rs which he had earned while he was working in his father's company. Mr CK was in deep trouble. With no support fro his family, he had to do something to accomplish the big dreams. He started another brand of shashe shampoo called 'Chik'. His father's name was Mr. Chinni Krishnan. But he was firm in his belief and vision. But how to get his brand to sell in market? He thought over and came up with many new stategies which his well wishers said was next to commiting suicide. He thought that 'i am confident of the ideas and i have no other option as well, so lets try'. He took the risk. And today we all know about CavinKare. The firm that started in 1991 by a man having inferiority complex, took HLL and P&G head on. Now, he boast of his 500cr. company.
But this is a well deserved victory. He said that the fundament reason why he succeded was the fact that he put all his personal intrests behind those of the company. He supported his statement by telling us that untill 2003 he was living in a rented home. He did not buy a space for himself until he had established a good working space for his employees, a good research and development unit. He said that he has been very strong ethically and talks to everyone eye to eye. When asked by a fellow amongst us as to if he had a big appetite for taking risks, he said that he never took risks. It was risk in eyes of others but he was always confident of what he was doing. With the dedication of his, CavinKare will definetly about to reach greater heights. Amen

senti puts

2005-07-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

aaj yaar thoda senti feel kar raha hoon.. apne kuch achche doston ko miss kar raha hoon..
jab woh the, aur blog likhte the, to kamine daant daant kar mujhe padhte the. ab unki wajah se mujhe thoda mann karne laga ki main bhi blog likhoon aur unke blog padh liya karoon.

aur dost itne nalayak hain ki sallon ne likha chhod diya hai:(
pata nahin ab mera kya hoga

Kuch Nahin

2005-05-03T14:47:00.001-07:00

this is a excerpt from the movie HUM DIL DE CHUKE SANAM
When Ajay(vanraj) takes Aishwarya(Nandhini) to Italy
They go to a restraunt where Salmaan(Sameer) comes every friday...
this friday he does not...
Bar owner is a good friend of Sameer and welcomes them
Ajay dances with them and drinks...
and when they are coming back to the hotel they are staying in
he says the following dialogue...

you know mai usse mila
bahut achcha hai woh
hamesha khush rakhkhe ga tumhain
shayad mujhse jayada
shayad nahin, mujhse jayada khush rakhkhega woh tumhain
lekin ek baat kahoon...
kuch nahin......
you know jab tum chali jaogi
i will be a happy man
milne aaunga mai tumse
bahut khushi hogi mujhe tum logon se milke
hey come here come here
woh ... us bridge se pukarunga mai tumhain
(shouts) Nandhini.... Nandhini
meri awaaz pehchanogi na tum
pehchanogi na meri awaaz...
tum zaroor pehchanogi meri awaaz
hey come on come on ek haath chuno
come on
mai hamesha se janta tha ki sameer tumhara hoga
agar tum yeh haath bhi chunti na tab bhi sameer tumhara hota
lekin ek baat kahoon....kuch nahin

Ajay said everything just by saying KUCH NAHIN
kabhi kabhi khamoshi bhi kitna kuch bol deti hai
aur kabhi hazaaron sabd bhi kam pad jaate hain

aise hi

2005-03-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

Tere pass aakar lagta hai mujhko aise,
ki gazal ghalib ne kahin keh di ho jaise,
meri aankhen tumhain dekhti hain aise,
chandra ko bhi chakor nahin dekhta hai waise.

Tera naam hardum mujhe sunayi deta hai aise,
mere dil ki dhadkan main tum bas gayi ho jaise,
tujhe dekh kar madhosh hota hoon aise,
madhu-shala main haalaa pee le ho waise.

There are the verses i wrote today in my lecture today...
Not that i did not listen to the lecture... i did.. just that when my prof was repeating few things he had said earlier.. i wrote this..
Now i know how somethings are written..
You feel it all the time and then you write it at once...

Kamaal ki hoti hai dosti

2005-02-28T22:00:00.000-08:00

tumsa nahin koi aur is zameen par banaya us khuda ne,
theek usi tarah tarash hai usne tumko,
jis tarah taj mahal banaya shah jahaan ne

kabhi na kabhi to woh din bhi aayega,
jab deedar hoga aapka,
kaliyaan chaman main khilain na khilain,
humara dil to gulsitan ho jaayega

i wrote these two for a friend of mine... jab uske baare main soonch raha tha
these are my life's first verses...

i do not exist

2005-02-27T10:31:00.000-08:00

i am busy now so i will start writing from tomorrow.
i am chatting with ...